Tag: I hate you

Someone Else

I wish last year would have turned out differently
You would have moved on by now
Everything would be so much easier
I hate who I am
You say get my certification
You say all this shit about me
Fuck you
You have done nothing but make my life hard
Nothing about this has been nice
Or happy
Or encouraging
Fuck you
Yeah your life hasn’t been what you  planned
But things come easy
Then you have the nerve to say I don’t know struggle
The first time I opened up to you
You made it about her
How much worse she had it
Go back to her
You compare me to her and the other
Everything comes back to them
But I’m crazy to think that
I don’t need you
I don’t need any man to treat me like that
I hope you’re happy
I’m not
You make me hate myself more
For everything I’ve let slide
Once again I let a man win
But it’s always my fault
Whatever the fuck it is
You twist it into my fault
You need to look at yourself
But it’s someone else right?

Never Our Fate

I want to be the person you reach for in the middle of the night
The one you never want out of your sight

I want to be the person you think about when your busy
The one that can make your world a little dizzy

I want to be the person you can live without
But the one you chose to be with without a doubt

I want to be the person that fullfills your soul
The one that can make you feel whole

I want to be the person who can dance with your nightmares
But the one who could also bring you tears

I want to be that person you who you feel is your checkmate
But my love, that was never our fate

Maybe I Learned it From You

Sabotage
To ruin everything
Everything on purpose
Put effort into making it bad
Have a want to mess up good things
I sabotage
According to you
Nothing ever goes good
Because of me right?
You are never at fault
Nothing you do is the reason
My actions are never reactions
You think so little of me
I can tell
You are slowly falling out of love
Because I sabotage
You are giving up, wanting me to give up first
So you won’t be at fault
Like you never are
I’m learning to fight like you
And you don’t like it
The beauty about my disease
I can mirror you
The nastiness parts
So maybe
Just maybe
I’ve learned to sabotage from you

Show Me

I’m annoying
I nag too much
I push you
I expect too much
I overthink everything
I would be better off with someone like him
I don’t care
I am dramatic
I don’t know how to socialize
I never give you a break
I lie about what you say
I twist your words
I never give you your time
You’ve never said I was worth it
You’ve never said that you don’t want to lose me
Just that you don’t want it to be a waste of time
I’m trying
I’ve changed
But it’s never enough
You say I don’t give you a break
I’m so tired
Why
Just why
I have never felt like I was worth it
Felt like I tried
Felt like enough
Yet I’m here
I hold onto a future
A future that might not be there
You only look at the past
How much time might be wasted
Am I not worthy for your future
Am I just convenient
Am I what was easy
Am I you’re giving up
But you won’t listen
Won’t listen to how I’m feeling
Because its a fight then
You don’t see me
Don’t hear me
Don’t feel me
I’m becoming num
They say
Women end it mentally first
Months before physically
Maybe out of wanting
Praying
Hoping for that change
My love
Mentally I’m almost gone
I can’t do this much longer
If you want me
Show me

My Fall Back

You know what, fuck you

Fuck you for making me question my own mind

My mind has been something I could rely on

Something I built

Something I claim

Something I could be okay with

You know what?

It wasn’t easy

It wasn’t easy to build

I’ve never been told I was enough

Never been sure of my mind

But when I finally got there

It took seconds for you to say the right things

To break me

Physically

Emotionally

Mentally

I was gone

Fuck you for knowing

What to say

What to do

That would destroy me

I lost my fall back

Just Promise Me, Please

Just promise me, please
You'll stay forever
Cause you're my ever after
I cant explain what you do to me

Just promise me, please
You'll be there for me 
Cause I'm a true disaster without you
I don't want these moments to end

Just promise me, please
You'll love me
Cause the thought of you gone make everything wrong 
I know my heart will break if you're gone

Just promise me, please 
You'll be mine forever 
Cause without you I can't breathe
Just say you'll stay with me 

Just Promise Me, Please

I found an old poem, from back in my high school years. All I can say is wow. If this didn’t scream borderline. I was desperate and in fear that I wrote a poem to my high school boyfriend. It was an attempt to make him stay. At the time of this poem, he wasn’t even thinking about leaving. Yet, I wanted him to know that he was my world. And I know, for most people, that is just a phrase. To a borderline, it means exactly what is says. He WAS my world. I could not picture my life without him. There was no me in the world without him. He gave my life meaning. But he didn’t, not even a little bit. He was just something that gave me attention and made me feel whole. He was nothing more. He caused more damage than anything. He made me feel like I had to do things because that would be the only way he would stay with me. Welcome to my full on borderline thinking.

It was what he wanted or he was leaving me. Welcome a reinforced fear of abandonment. To the point I did anything and EVERYTHING to keep him with me. It didn’t matter what I wanted, or what I wanted to do with my body. I was frantic to keep him, because without him I was nothing.

He didn’t like who I was as a person after a week. Welcome my unclear self-image. I changed my likes, what I wore, how I did my make-up, what I watched, what I listened to and more to fit what he wanted. I wasn’t “me”, although I didn’t figure that out up until 2 years ago. I wanted to be his “ideal” woman so he would want to stay with me even more.

Now, even though I had my borderline before him, he introduced my borderline to what a relationship was. It was so unhealthy. At times, I still question what was I thinking. He belittled me, made me feel worthless and powerless. He made it seem like he was a gift from the heavens and I was oh so lucky to have him. He caused my borderline to find her real light. He showed her her the way to the surface. Let her see that impulsivity can work and any frantic effort to get someone to stay will work for some time. He let her see that self-harm made her feel alive still. He let her see that my mood swings were something that everyone goes through in a relationship. But most of all, he let her see that my anger or the rage, were okay.

Borderline never goes away, but it is manageable. It can become easier. The biggest problem, at least in my life, is her limelight. She loves and craves it. Because is shows her she is needed. But you don’t have to give the borderline their limelight. Know that it is always there, but try not to give it to them. Im not going to lie and say that I have been “sober” from her for 2 years straight. She has caused relapses, but learning to dance with your demons is far easier than trying to kill them.

So in end; just promise me, please

Dance

Gaslighting sounds like…

My Borderline

Dear Diary,

 

Reading the Buddha and The Borderline, struck me with some many emotions. As I was reading the second chapter, I got to thinking about my own experiences with BPD. I looked back at the symptoms and decided to answer the questions.

 

 

  • Efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, such as rapidly initiating intimate (physical or emotional) relationships or cutting off communication with someone in anticipation of being abandoned
    • Yes, the minute there is even a hint of possible abandonment, my brain goes into the hyper drive. Why are they going to leave? What are they leaving for? What did I do? I deserve this? I wasn’t good enough. They don’t think I’m good enough. Why do they not like me anymore? They hate me, no I hate them. I need them to leave. I need to get them to leave me before they can walk out. I have to prepare…
    • After the fight that follows these thoughts, I beg and beg and explain that they can’t leave me. I can’t live without them, they are my everything. I have even cut during one of these fights just to get him to stay. I have locked doors, blocked doors and stolen keys just so they couldn’t leave. I have went to extremes to make someone stay and then to change their mind.
  • A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
    • Relationship’s never last more than two years romantically and friendships are barely a year
  • Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self
    • I change who I am depended on who I am around. My musical taste changes, what movies Im into, how I dress, how I spend my time. I don’t know who I am. I change so much. The only things I know is I like science, cars and painting, but then again when I really think about it, I only like science because my dad told me too and it was the only time I could bond with him, I like car because once again my dad pushed me into it, and with painting I wanted to connect with my mom in someway when I was growing up. When people ask me what I like to do or what Im into, I say anything. I say that because I am into anything, it just depends on when.
  • Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating. Please note:If these behaviors occur primarily during a period of elevated mood or energy, they may be signs of a mood disorder—not borderline personality disorder
    • I get into these impulse where all I do is spend, until I have no more money, I engage in sexual activities with anyone that takes me on a date, or I drive like my life doesn’t matter. Honestly the reckless driving is my go-to impulse. I just get the urge and I take off in my car. There was a time when substance abuse was just as bad my driving urge, but I am sober finally.
  • Self-harming behavior, such as cutting
    • I’ve cut my fingers because I knew no one would question Band-Aids on my fingers. I could also say that they were paper cuts ofr something like that
  • Recurring thoughts of suicidal behaviors or threats
    • I have threaten needing to go back into the psych ward because I didn’t trust my thoughts
  • Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
    • I have horrible mood swings. I go from hyper happy to crying within minutes and then there’s the rage. It is exhausting.
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness
    • I just feel like I need something more all the time. I never feel like I have enough, or am complete.
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
    • I see what is referred to as “the red”, the tunnel vision. Nothing else matters but the anger and why I’m angry. The rage last for maybe a couple of hours and then like a switch, Im okay again or within another extreme of an emotion. And I get so mad at little things. Things that one shouldn’t get mad at.
  • Difficulty trusting, which is sometimes accompanied by irrational fear of other people’s intentions
    • I am always second guessing why people are around me, even my own family. I don’t understand why anyone would stick around me. It just doesn’t make sense.
  • Feelings of dissociation, such as feeling cut off from oneself, seeing oneself from outside one’s body, or feelings of unreality
    • When I get really stressed out, I feel out of myself, like Im not really there. There has to me a lot of stress to make this reaction happen, but it happens. When it does, Im a zombie to reality. My mom has noticed this and even asked if I was still there.

 

Things That Still Bug Me

Dear Diary,

 

 

I was thinking about A and how much shit I put up with. Our first moment talking, I was the one who asked him out. He later told me that the only reason he swiped right (yes we meet on Tinder) was because of my ferrets. Then out first date he was over two hours late, I had to ask him to kiss me, and he was planning to just take me back to his house. On my birthday, he was dancing with other women. I had to make him start looking at me as more than someone to sleep with. He would ignore me on purpose, and as a punishment even though he know how it would drive me crazy. He made a lot of comments about other women, like how he could please any women. He was disgusting. And in the time that I needed him most, he couldn’t man up. My dad even said this.

 

Dear Diary,

This past weekend was really nice. I needed to get away and get out of my head. A helped take care of my sister over the weekend when she got dunk. It was interesting to see this on the outside. I am normally the one that is that drunk and needs to be taken care up. It is scary to see, but also I learned. But on the way to home, A bragged about how his hand could please any women…

 

Dear Diary,

This past weekend, A and I went camping up by Glenwood Springs. On the way back we were talking about the traffic. Country Jam was going on. He made the comment that they were fake county girls and were easy and he would have to remember that for next year.