Just promise me, please You'll stay forever Cause you're my ever after I cant explain what you do to me Just promise me, please You'll be there for me Cause I'm a true disaster without you I don't want these moments to end Just promise me, please You'll love me Cause the thought of you gone make everything wrong I know my heart will break if you're gone Just promise me, please You'll be mine forever Cause without you I can't breathe Just say you'll stay with me Just Promise Me, Please
I found an old poem, from back in my high school years. All I can say is wow. If this didn’t scream borderline. I was desperate and in fear that I wrote a poem to my high school boyfriend. It was an attempt to make him stay. At the time of this poem, he wasn’t even thinking about leaving. Yet, I wanted him to know that he was my world. And I know, for most people, that is just a phrase. To a borderline, it means exactly what is says. He WAS my world. I could not picture my life without him. There was no me in the world without him. He gave my life meaning. But he didn’t, not even a little bit. He was just something that gave me attention and made me feel whole. He was nothing more. He caused more damage than anything. He made me feel like I had to do things because that would be the only way he would stay with me. Welcome to my full on borderline thinking.
It was what he wanted or he was leaving me. Welcome a reinforced fear of abandonment. To the point I did anything and EVERYTHING to keep him with me. It didn’t matter what I wanted, or what I wanted to do with my body. I was frantic to keep him, because without him I was nothing.
He didn’t like who I was as a person after a week. Welcome my unclear self-image. I changed my likes, what I wore, how I did my make-up, what I watched, what I listened to and more to fit what he wanted. I wasn’t “me”, although I didn’t figure that out up until 2 years ago. I wanted to be his “ideal” woman so he would want to stay with me even more.
Now, even though I had my borderline before him, he introduced my borderline to what a relationship was. It was so unhealthy. At times, I still question what was I thinking. He belittled me, made me feel worthless and powerless. He made it seem like he was a gift from the heavens and I was oh so lucky to have him. He caused my borderline to find her real light. He showed her her the way to the surface. Let her see that impulsivity can work and any frantic effort to get someone to stay will work for some time. He let her see that self-harm made her feel alive still. He let her see that my mood swings were something that everyone goes through in a relationship. But most of all, he let her see that my anger or the rage, were okay.
Borderline never goes away, but it is manageable. It can become easier. The biggest problem, at least in my life, is her limelight. She loves and craves it. Because is shows her she is needed. But you don’t have to give the borderline their limelight. Know that it is always there, but try not to give it to them. Im not going to lie and say that I have been “sober” from her for 2 years straight. She has caused relapses, but learning to dance with your demons is far easier than trying to kill them.
So in end; just promise me, please